Single?

Well, it's hard to call myself that. He moved out. He's staying in another place. But I see him almost daily for one reason or another, mainly our children. How do you get over a man you see everyday? And how do you get over a man you have to constantly team up with for the greater good of raising two small children in this mess of an economy?

So, it's like an unspoken agreement between us. There's space between us. We've chilled on all the lovey dovey talk and actions. Every now and again, we slip up and call each other, "Baby.." or "Honey...". Then we catch ourselves like we mispronounced a word, or sometimes, we just let it go. He's been "baby" for three years now. Does his name suddenly change because his address did?

We're in that awkward "in between"... you know that space where a lot of newly broken up couples drift into. That place where you still wanna hug and touch but you know you're not supposed to. Afterall, he left, right? It's over... right? And you tell yourself you can do what you want now, shake a tail feather, call a male friend up or two because you're single... right? Don't feel single.

I still feel loyal. And as bad as I'm trying to convince myself that he isn't a part of me or my reality, he is. And I'm spending most of my time trying to convince myself that I'm "happy" and under so much less stress now that he isn't under the same roof as me.
Why does he still call to tell me where he's going? He don't live here no more.

Why does he call me to ask me what I'm up to at 9 o'clock at night? He knows what I'm up to. The same thing I've been up to since I've been a mama. I'm curled up in bed with my two babies, reading a story, singing a song, and thinking about him.

It's not fair. I know he doesn't treat me like he should. And a part of me believes that he will never change. A part of me longs for the love I know I need and could possibly have. The other part loves the love I have. When he touches me, kisses me and holds me...I can't put it into words. I just know. I can't call it a trance but I will say I'm his. Now trying to "un-his" myself is the tough part. He's a part of my routine. His children look just like him. So, we're in this weird space right now.

I still love him, albeit not with as much passion and emotional availability. I can't let him know I'm still completely gone on him, four years later. I can't show him that he still gives me butterflies when he gives me "that look".

I comfort myself with the thoughts of, "No matter what happens, two parents who don't fuss and fight can't be nothin but good for the children, right?" I'm sure that's better than cussin and name callin any day. I guess history will judge us and decide whether or not we're doing the right thing... did the right thing. Worry about the details? Make everything black and white? Be right, or be happy? Raise two children or try to raise them alone for the sake of principle? Be "wonder woman" or be vulnerable? Admit that I can't do it all on my own or continue to try and fail?

Got a lot to think about. Thanks for lending me your eyes.

Peace.

I'm Still Standing

Hey everybody.

I've been so busy surviving, I haven't really had a moment to update my blogs. I've really been in the fire this year. I thought 2009 would give me a nice little break but I soon learned 2009 had enough challenges for me and a few other people to tackle. It's been one long push just to keep our heads above water financially. Every week, major decisions have to be made and simple things like how to get gas and diapers all of a sudden become major issues that require prayer, discussion and a few restless nights. But I'm not without comfort nor am I alone. Although most folks grow surprisingly silent when they fall on hard times, I know that mine isn't an isolated incident. More houses than mine are struggling just to make ends come near each other, forget about meeting. Meeting ends is a LUXURY. But things could always be a lot worse. We all have our health and strength, and best of all, we're still together.

I'd be lying if I didn't also admit that financial hardships take their toll on a relationship. We were already dealing with enough issues and drama to keep even the most industrious of people overwhelmed for quite some time. But add the little or total lack of funds issue to the pile and things start to slip down the mountain. I've behaved badly on occasion. I've said some things to him in anger that I regret now in hindsight. I'm praying that resentment doesn't set in. Nobody wants to admit that sometimes they resent their partner but the fact is, a lot of us do. I DO. A partner is supposed to be just that- A PARTNER. But through the majority of this relationship, I haven't felt as if I have a partner. I've felt alone to face the beasts that come at us on a daily basis: which bill is more urgent, what will we eat, where's the gas money and where is the diaper money? How are we going to pay the mortage? I'm sure he's wrestled with these questions but men like to d this little thing that I like to call STOP COMMUNICATING when things get tough. So I'm left feeling hurt and often angry, like he is totally clueless when the truth is, he's just as scared as I am and doesn't know anymore than I do how to fix everything that appears to be broken at one time.

But I'm determined to love my way through this. What does that mean? It means that I won't always make the right decisions, say the right things, and neither will he. But I love this man and my love for him and my committment to our relationship will get me through this. I don't always feel lovey-dovey but I always love him. I realize if I woke up one morning and he wasn't there, my world would suddenly lose its color and the sun would briefly stop shining until I could re-adjust to not having him in my life.  He is the one my soul loves.

And oh, did I fail to mention my beloved children? I look at them and am often amazed that I had a hand in their being in this world. They're so smart, funny, preceptive, loving, and devoted. They love me even after I lose my temper and have a mood swing. They follow me around the house, watching my every move, studying my facial expressions and my mannerisms. They admire me. They want me to hold them when they're scared or don't feel well. They smile when I tell them they did something right and pass out the hi-fives, hugs and kisses. They sometimes walk up to me on their own, as young as they are, and offer a hug and kiss. They ask me, "What's wrong mama?" I'm honored by their love. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, like my best just isn't good enough. They deserve new clothes and shoes that I can't buy, toys that I can't afford, nicely decorated rooms that seem like only a picture in my favorite magazine and everything else such beautifully innocent and precious children deserve. But then I'm reminded that all they want is me. Everytime I come home from a long hard day, bills stacked on the kitchen table, voicemail box filled by collectors, and cubboards too close to bare, I look at them and they smile, they squeal and jump up and down, excited to see mama. Totally in love with mama. It's not what I can buy them. It's who I am to them. I'm mama and for them, that's enough. Doesn't it feel good to be loved just for who you are? Amen.

Peace and blessings. Pray for me as I pray for you.

Pre marital Counseling

I thought those words and my relationship with Marc would never be named together. Three years, two children and many tears later, we're at a point in our lives and in our relationship where we are both ready and willing to start building on the foundation that will be our future marriage. Our first counseling session is tomorrow. Bishop Elect Derrall Beason will be counseling us. I am super excited about going but I'm also a little frightened.

I'm 31 years old. I have two beautiful children. I have a decent and stable job. I have a home of my own. I've accomplished quite a few personal goals. Marriage has always been a desire of mine but it's always been something I saw as far off, mystical and unrealistic. This is the closest I've been to the aisle. Yes, I was engaged before but he was not willing to go to counseling and I was not willing to marry him deep down in my heart of hearts. Although Marc isn't perfect and our relationship is far from perfection, I can't see myself making a lifelong commitment to any other man. I'm truly in love. But back to my nervousness. Marriage is a big, big deal. Sure, we've shared money, time, tears, struggles, children, space, etc. But sharing a last name is a horse of a different color. The weight of being a wife is starting to become real to me. I've always relished my singleness. I know some may find that hard to believe but there's a degree of satisfaction that comes from being able to have more than one guy on your list of contacts in your cell, your own closet space, your own opinion and your own way. I've comforted myself in part through the up's and down's of my relationship with Marc with the fact that no matter how bad it got, it was all OPTIONAL. I did not have to deal with it if I simply chose not to. I had nothing at stake besides our children and they are both under the age of 3. No property to divide, no lawyers to hire, no legal motions to file. You go your own dern way and I'll go mine. But what happens when I stand before God and declare, "For better or for worse?"

That's quite a sobering thought for me. Yes, I'm 31 years old, but in a lot of ways, I'm still quite childish. I still pout when I don't get my way. I'm still passive aggressive. I still carry some fairytale-like expectations of what my man should be willing to do in a relationship with me. I've got some growing to do.

However, I don't want to lose sight of the fact that I have a man who is willing to walk this road of growth and change with me. He's agreed to counseling which most men that I know personally and a couple that I have loved has flatly refused to do.  It's completely surreal. It also leaves me feeling extremely loved. No, he isn't walking perfection. He can be stubborn. He isn't always as affectionate as I'd like him to be. He sometimes says things to get under my skin. But he's finally making a real effort to solidify our relationship.

I don't know what to expect tomorrow but I will certain go in with an open heart and mind. We both have work to do and it's our responsibility together to nurture this union. I'm thankful to God that through all of the pain and struggle, I'm even able to say that Marc and I are going to counseling. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would happen. I prayed it would, hoped it would but I was at times too afraid to believe it could happen. Thank you Lord is all I can say.

Peace.

My Cup Runneth Over

Marc's first night home was everything and nothing like I expected it to be. When he called and told me to come get him, I couldn't drive those 27 miles fast enough. I thought I would break down and cry when I saw him and was able to touch him for the first time in three months, but I didn't. He embraced me and nearly knocked me off my feet and we kissed. As we drove home, he talked almost nonstop. I tried to listen but my mind was racing. He was finally here. It wasn't a cruel joke. It wasn't a bittersweet dream. He was by my side finally and I was holding his hand and he was holding mine.

He's lost some weight but that's about all he's lost. He's gained so much. He told me, "I'm a man now", and I believe him. He doesn't talk, act or even look at me the same. He's so much more humble now. He's not the same man I knew three months ago. It was almost scary to see the change in him but all the changes were for the better. Matthew's reaction to seeing him for the first time was so classic. He didn't run to him when he first walked into the door. Instead, he stood still, staring up at him like he had just seen a heavenly sight. His smile was so broad and we couldn't wipe it off his little face if we tried. He had so much to tell his daddy and so much to show him. Marc took his little hand and followed him from room to room, Matt chattering nonstop. He showed his daddy his favorite toys and Marc looked at each of them thoughtfully. Caitlyn took a little longer to warm up. She pulled away each time he reached out to her, but he continued to talk to her, saying those little phrases he used to say to her before he left. Then about 20 minutes later, a little light bulb went off in her head. Slowly, a dimple emerged. She smiled. Then she laughed. Then she squealed. The three of them played for about 45 mins straight. The house was full of squeals and shreaks of joy. I laid across my bed, listening and occasionally watching Marc and his beloved children have their moment. He looked at them so lovingly, so proud.

As soon as they were in bed, he turned his attention to me. We talked for what seemed like 2 hours straight. I had so much to say, but my words could not keep up with the feelings in my heart. How do you tell someone that you love them more than you've ever loved any man before? I did the best I could. I told him, "I feel whole now. My other half is with me". He smiled and rubbed my back. He listened when I talked. He didn't interrupt. He didn't seem bored or distracted. And not only did he listen, but he talked back to me. These were things we lost somewhere along the way; those small little courtesies that keep relationships firmly rooted and grounded. I wanted to serve him just as much as he wanted to serve me.. "let me take your coat", I said to him, "let me get you a glass of water" he said to me. It's like we both knew that this time around, we needed to appreciate each other and cherish each moment we're given together on this earth.

He told me he wanted me to burn all the letters he wrote to me while he was away. I didn't want to, but he said he doesn't want me to hold on to that past experience. I told him, "Alright. Then you can replace them". I don't think the reality of the moment has hit me. I really haven't had time to process everything. After about three hours of sleep, I had to get up and get ready for work. When I get home, there's plenty more to do. We both want to go to church. We have to prepare for that. I need to do my hair. I need to make sure the children have their clothes laid out. I need to get dinner at the grocery store. We want to rent some movies. There's so much to do. But funny how these small activities now have a new meaning and luster. Going to church together. Watching a movie together. Raising our children together.

My heart is filled with overwhelming gratitude to my Almighty God. No one knows the full extent of the pain and struggle that has been my involvement with Marc. I never knew this kind of a love could be found with him. I am beyond words. My heart is full. I am hopeful that whatever challenges are ahead, God will guide us and direct our paths. God has afforded the two of us an opportunity that those in the land of the living seldom are afforded. Most people don't truly realize what they have in someone until they are parted by death. He allowed us to separate for a time but not by death. And that separation did nothing but renew our minds and cause the both of us to realize the extraordinary blessing that resides in each other.
I have another request before the Lord. So far, everything that I have asked Him, He has granted me. I want to be married before the end of this year. I know that doesn't sound huge, but considering our current financial situation and Marc not wanting to marry until we're more financial stable, that is definitely a desire that requires some faith. But let's just sit back and watch God work.

Peace.

Be A Blessing

I just realized that there are those who are bitterly opposed to Valentine's Day. When I say "bitterly", I'm not talking about the casual, "well, I don't really do anything special for Valentine's Day". Naw, I'm talking about people who are almost fighting mad and ready to rip stuff animals to shreds with a pocket knife. Sheesh.

Maybe I'm the last surviving optimist. I still believe in love. If you're talking about romantic love alone, then I can understand the frustration. If you've been scorned, hurt, misused, abused, deceived and otherwise mishandled by someone who claimed to love you, it's understandable that all things Valentine can put a bitter taste in your mouth.

That is, if that's the only love you're thinking about.

I realized today that although there's an empty space in my heart because the love of my life is not able to be here physically with me, that I'm not the only one who may be feeling some pain. God has really been dealing with me about being aware of my surroundings. I'm not talking about being aware as in taking safety procautions but rather looking for opportunities to be a blessing to those that you encounter daily or even briefly throughout the week. I thought about my mother. I thought about how every Valentine's Day when we were younger, daddy would present her with the biggest box of chocolates he could find, always heart shaped and always ellaborately designed. The boxes were so pretty that my mom would hold on to them, almost like keepsakes, admiring all of their satin, lace and rose appliques. I thought about how we would all get a piece of chocolate and how whether she wanted to or not, my mom would ultimately share each and every heart shaped Valentine's Day box with our father, her husband. Then I realized that this same woman who was thoughtful enough to save the satin covered boxes of Valentine's Days past would certainly feel the sting of this Valentine's Day, with no special someone, either by force or by genuine affection, taking the time to choose a box of candy or a card just for her. And here she was, years later, giving to me unselfishly, helping to watch her grandchildren. So in the midst of my hustle and bustle, I slowed down long enough today to choose a medium sized heart shaped box of chocolates. I walked over to the card section, picked up card after card until I found the one that echoed my sentiments the best. After I put all of my groceries on the belt, I carefully placed the candy and card on the belt and left the store. When I arrived home, mom opened my door to help me with all the groceries I had just purchased. While her back was turned, I placed the card and candy on my driver's seat. Before I left the grocery store, I signed her card, careful to underline the words that meant the most to me and signed it. When she turned around, I said, "Mama, would you mind getting the last bag out of the car for me? I'll keep an eye on the children while you do". Not even thinking twice, she stepped outside and approached my car. I lifted Caitlyn into my arms and Matt stood by my side. I watched her face as she opened the car door and saw her box of candy and card on the driver's seat. It was an expression that was familiar to me. It was an expression that I've been blessed to have a time or two myself. It's that moment when you realize someone has made an effort to make you feel special. It's the moment you're presented with a gift and not just an expensive one, but a thoughtful and unexpected one. She wasn't expecting it. But I knew by the look in her eyes, it was what she needed.

So this Valentine's Day, if you're having a tough time getting through it and if all of the teddybears, chocolates, cards and flowers are making you slightly nauseous or even homicidal, take a moment to pause and reflect. Do like I did. Pick up an obnoxious box of candy. Buy a single rose. Purchase a silly little teddybear. Find someone who needs to know that someone else cares. Give it to them and then wait for that look in their eyes.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!